Day 1

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I decided to write entries to journey the entire process of hospitalization. Let’s hope I keep through this being as real as I can be.

It has been 24 hours since we admitted Izzie to KKH for her surgery to correct the LPA sling. What has happened so far?

Izzie was warded at Children’s Tower Ward 55 Bed 23 yesterday. We went through the admission process, then answered some standard interview questions, went through ward orientation, talked with doctors and anesthesiologist. The ward MO tried doing ECG on Izzie but she cried badly, so they tried again this morning around 6am when she was asleep. They took blood tests in the ward treatment room and she came back crying, hair all over the place and eyes were red. She was ok during the chest X-ray. We went for ICU orientation as well. We were briefed what to expect.

How was the night? I stayed over at KKH with Izzie. She fell asleep close to 1am. I finished up a bit of work till 2am and went to sleep. Woke up at 3am because the baby next bed to Izzie cried very loudly. Izzie was also disturbed for a while but she went back to sleep. It was Izzie’s turn to cry very loudly at 4am. I carried her on me till about 5am and then I asked the nurse to give Izzie her last glucose drink. Her fast started at 2am and the last water intake was 6am.

At 715am I bathed Izzie with the antiseptic body wash provided by the nurse. At 8am they brought us down to the OT. Feng followed us and there she prayed for Izzie. Then only one parent could go into the OT waiting area with Izzie. I went. Soo Chee cried as his heart broke. I remained calm. I let Izzie play with a princess toy car at the waiting area.

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She is one brave baby!

Then the medical staff just checked and confirmed name and that I know what is going on. We were guided into OT 11. It was a pleasant short walk as there were many beautiful murals. At the OT, the staff explained to me exactly what they were going to do and prepared me for what we were about to experience. It wasn’t new. Izzie and me went through this before when she did the bronchoscopy in July. They made Izzie feel at ease then gassed her. She went to sleep and the staff asked me to let go while two staff carried her from my lap to the bed. They guided me to exit.

I have been outside waiting since 830am. PAZ came around 12 plus to pray with us. It brought great comfort to us. Before he came, I wandered off on my own and found a spot at a garden. There I was just absorbing the song Victor’s Crown and praying. There I came to a place of brokenness. I needed God to be real, I needed to trust and I needed my own space to be myself. It is okay to cry.

Soo Chee and I just had lunch and we are back to waiting…

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Today marks another breakthrough for me as a mom. I brought Izzie to the Polyclinic by myself. Usually Soo Chee would be around as we try to fix her vaccination appointments at Polyclinic on Mondays. She has some rashes on her body for more than 2 days. Why Polyclinic and not her usual PD? Her usual PD’s (15 mins walk from my house) usual charges are about $50-$70 and usual waiting time is close to 2 hours. I was thinking if I have to wait so long, what’s the difference with waiting at the Polyclinic? So I decided to try the service at Tampines Polyclinic.

I took a cab there (5 mins, cost $4.70) and reached at 2:55pm. I did the registration, brought her to the treatment room (where a nurse assessed if the “rashes” were chicken pox. Answer: No. Then I proceeded to level 2 to see the doc. Izzie was super restless while waiting. There was no play area at the Polyclinic. I waited for about half an hour before I saw the doc. The doc was a nice Indian lady who likes Izzie’s cheeks. Ha! She assessed and said the rashes were probably heat rash or due to some allergy. No fever and lungs are cleared, she said. She prescribed calamine lotion and said to go back to the Polyclinic if her rash which concentrates at the tummy area spreads. Then I went to the Pharmacy to collect the medication and made payment. I was done by 4pm. Total time spent: about 1 hour! Faster than the usual PD! Cost of consultation and medication: $6.50!!!

I used to avoid the Polyclinic because my experience there while I was studying was bad. The waiting time killed! Over the years, the service improves. The system improves. It is really quite comparable to private practice and what’s the perk? Singaporeans get subsidised medical fees which really help us especially when Izzie has lots of follow ups and stuffs. I am grateful to be a Singaporean. I am thankful that God really takes good care of us and meets our littlest untold needs.

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That’s Izzie having a still moment staring at herself when I turned on the front camera on my phone at Tampines Polyclinic today

21 Aug – My day today

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I met Chris at Ikea for lunch today. It was a simple and enjoyable time of catching up and Izzie played a part to make it an easy time for us by behaving herself and entertaining us with her little ways.

We went for purposeful shopping after lunch. I bought additional Drona boxes for my 4 x 4 Expedit shelving unit. Izzie’s toys are invading our shelf. It started with 2 then 4 and now, 6 shelves are filled with Izzie’s toys!!! It sure makes me happy to see a neat and organized house. Somehow organization makes me feel good. I also bought 2 throws for the sofa and a floor mat to replace a current worn out one.

Izzie’s a little more cranky today. Could be due to a slight fever she had. Delayed reaction from the MMR (Measles, Mumps and Rubella) jab she had last Monday. She and I battled for slightly more than an hour before she finally gave in to sleep.

My mom delivered dinner. Yummy apple soup. I am thankful that she is willing to cook dinner and deliver dinner to us whenever she can.

Then I prepared Izzie’s puree. Why am I obssessed with preparing baby food? I think because I have more time at home with the temporary work from home arrangement. It isn’t easy making time to prepare baby food with 40 hour work week in office (plus preparation time and travelling time). So I really gotta make full use of the time I have now to do whatever I can and make this a fruitful time of doing things for and with Izzie. I am thankful for the grace.

 

Faith for Healing

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The take away for today’s staff devotion: I need to activate my faith for a supernatural healing miracle & I need to come back to a place of prayer.

As the date of Izzie’s surgery draws nearer, undoubtedly I feel just a little more anxious each day. I know that isn’t right. It’s natural and I cannot be in this state of mind all the time. I need to pray for peace. I believe God is mindful of every detail of our lives and I want to trust His sovereignty. I will keep confessing good health, strength and growth over Izzie. My God will take good care of Izzie.

 

139 Lord, you have tested me,
so you know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts from far away.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
4 Lord, you know what I want to say,
even before the words leave my mouth.
5 You are all around me—in front of me and behind me.
I feel your hand on my shoulder.
6 I am amazed at what you know;
it is too much for me to understand.
7 Your Spirit is everywhere I go.
I cannot escape your presence.
8 If I go up to heaven, you will be there.
If I go down to the place of death, you will be there.
9 If I go east where the sun rises
or go to live in the west beyond the sea,
10 even there you will take my hand and lead me.
Your strong right hand will protect me.

11 Suppose I wanted to hide from you and said,
“Surely the darkness will hide me.
The day will change to night and cover me.”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to you.
The night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are the same.
13 You formed the way I think and feel.[a]
You put me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because you made me in such a wonderful way.
I know how amazing that was!

15 You could see my bones grow as my body took shape,
hidden in my mother’s womb.[b]
16 You could see my body grow each passing day.[c]
You listed all my parts, and not one of them was missing.

1st letter from mommy to Izzie

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Dear Isabel,

You’ll be turning 1 on 1st Aug 2013. You constantly amaze me by how fast you grow and you constantly bring smiles to me by the things you do. I’ll always remember the little things that you like to do: like stretching your legs straight when you are being changed, lifting your legs up 90 degrees whenever you are on your back, exploring things by scratching them, your funny-looking pout whenever you aren’t happy, squeezing your arms towards each other and “flying” whenever you are excited, and your love for standing and cruising and clapping hands at this phase of your life. Most of all, your smiles and laughter make me feel that motherhood & all its sacrifices are worth it.

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My heart aches whenever you are sick, puking and breathless. My heart aches whenever the LPA sling condition is brought up. My heart aches when I know you have to go for the surgery to correct the condition. Yet deep inside there is a peace that I couldn’t comprehend. A peace that everything is gonna be alright. A confession that I was made to say even when you were still inside me. It’s God’s peace which surpasses all understanding. Through the many hospitalisations, I have seen so many babies and children crying, fussing and terrified. But I only saw a brave girl in you. You do not cry unless there is a reason to: like you are feeling really hungry or your poo is making you so uncomfortable or when the thing that you dislike most is being practised on you: suctioning to remove secretions.

From a little baby of 2kg, I have seen you grown to 8.5kg now. From being needing to cradle you, you develop neck muscles, then you learn to sit on your own, then sit up straight then crawl and now you stand tall and proud! You are even taking baby steps! You have grown so much more observant and you are so inquisitive just like how daddy prayed for you to be. Taking care of you is not without its challenges but you have been easy just like how mommy wished you to be that’s why the short form name Izzie. You are happy most of the time and you are a very sociable baby. I am so proud to see you grow and to see you overcome milestones in your life. I enjoy the times I get to spend with you. It is never wasted. Those are bonding moments. You have a gentle and quiet spirit like how I prayed for you to be.

As the day draws to a close, mommy wishes you a LOVELIEST 1ST BIRTHDAY once again. It has been an awesome year with you and I know many awesome years will come. You will grow up healthy, strong, happy, wise and standing under God’s Word. Mommy and daddy love you, Champ Izziebub.


Love,

Mommy

 

Izzie’s turning 1!

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We are gonna celebrate Izzie’s first birthday this Sunday. Her actual birthday is 1 Aug. How fast time flies. It was just a while ago that we were still needing to cradle her because her neck wasn’t strong enough. Last year this time, I was in hospital for the entire month of July, praying everyday that she will be okay, healthy and strong. Despite the bad news at the last trimester, Izzie came out 9/10 on the Apgar scale at week 34. She weighed 2.16kg and was 44cm long. She was in NICU for a day or two and then transferred out to Special Care Nursery. By the time she hit one week (Week 35), she was home. What a champ!

Her health through these 11 months wasn’t something to be taken for granted. She was hospitalised twice in March for breathlessness due to broncholitis and once in June for the same problem. CT scan and bronchoscopy show her LPA sling is causing a compression on the trachea and docs at KKH suggested LPA sling correction.

We brought Izzie to KKH for a follow up with the paediatrician on Monday. She now weighs 8.48kg and is 73cm long. The PD is happy with her. He said that she is already doing some things that 12 month old babies do although her corrected age is 11 months due to her prematurity. Developmental-wise she has achieved most for her age-appropriate milestones. Praise God for good report.

Since her hospitalisation in June and the suggested needful surgery, she has been kept pretty much at home. Whenever I bring her out, she would be so happy. Today I brought her out to Ikea. Just me and her. It was an enjoyable time with her. I felt blessed just spending my afternoon with her.


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As I looked back at the past one year, indeed she has filled my life with so much meaning, love and joy. I have done things for her that I didn’t want to do for myself. Like waking up at 6am every morning to bring her to nursery. Like making breakfast for her when I would just skip having breakfast. I must say that I am biased and I know it but I must still say that Izzie has been easy. She has made it easy for us to be her parents and she has made us look good. Haha. Training and stuff? I don’t think we did much to make her sleep through the night at 3 months. She did it on her own. She doesn’t fuss a lot. She is just blessed with a quiet and a gentle spirit. The love for reading? We tried to introduce books to her when she was 2 months and she just has a natural affinity towards books, pictures and words. Food-wise, hmm she has a bit to catch up on eating solids. Hehe. I think we didn’t really make very strict structures/rules. We just do our best to be the best parents to Izzie. Discipline at this age isn’t appropriate but we try to explain even though she may not understand fully, but if we repeat, I believe one day she will get it. She is starting to understand “no” and I am glad for the many times she cooperated with me when I tried to clean her (something that she doesn’t really like). Motherhood for first time working mommy is TOUGH but when I see Izzie smile, I felt it was all worth it.

I am glad to be Izzie’s mommy! She is my greatest blessing the past one year and many years to come. I am thankful for this sweet promise of God. Mommy love you Izziebub. Have a joyous 1st birthday!

 

 

T.R.A.N.S.I.T.I.O.N to mommyhood

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Today a dear friend gave birth to a lovely baby boy, Jude. I am so happy I have another mommy friend and cell group member. As I take a break from baby and work, I am reminded how I went through the transition to mommyhood.

I spent the last month of my pregnancy in hospital. Because of the pregnancy complication, I was expected to go into emergency c sect anytime. I had constant contractions and the show. I was almost always on a fast & I had drips poked to my veins to prepare for the emergency c sect. Because I was always in emergency mode, I had to be wheeled between normal ward and delivery suite (for closer monitoring of contractions). It was a trying one month confined to the hospital. Life wasn’t normal. Actually I lost my normalcy the moment I was pregnant. I had to be confined to bed rest during my first trimester because of bleeding.

After I gave birth, it was another one month of home confinement. Worse, I couldn’t eat a lot of things because of traditional Chinese beliefs which I wasn’t even convicted that I have to follow but all in the name of honour. No, I didn’t say this out of a rebellious attitude. No, I am not unthankful. I am thankful for the help and care given by both my mom and my mother in law. It’s just that the one month at home was horrible especially with the no bathing rule. That I couldn’t keep after the 3rd day. Oops. Shhh.

Plus the transition of having a new baby at home. A baby who requires feeding every 2 hours and in between, you need to change her and cuddle her and put her to sleep. It literally translated me to a machine, needless of sleep. Mothers told me I could do it. Somehow we could get by with just 1-2 hours of sleep. And yes, I did that. I am glad Izzie learnt to sleep through at her 3rd month. Thank God for that.

The transition of being pregnant to being a new mother…it must have been the greatest struggle I faced so far in my whole life. All those good pregnancy hormones (that kept me in a happy bubble) went away with birth and I was plagued with post natal blues. It was a big big struggle. The blues were real. I would cry when I am alone and when I am with hubby. I just couldn’t share with the moms. Looking back, I thank God I’ve got God with me throughout. It wasn’t easy dealing with all those feelings, all things that weren’t right, all the new challenges, plus added stresses that the moms gave (though it wasn’t their intention i am sure). I thank God for very good mama friends whom I can share with and they care enough to share the truth with love to me. I had two projects that helped me come out of blues: 1. Project wash soft toys collection and build shelves for them 2. Project clean the house and take ownership of house and family and baby. I got through blues being stronger.

Now that Izzie is 11 months, there are other sets of challenges that I need to face. I guess in every stage of life, we would have challenges to overcome. I think they are what make life interesting and bring growth into our lives. Did I regret being a mother? No!!! Yes I may complain…yes I may be tired…yes I may not be as available as I used to be…yes I may not be the friend who is always there for my friends but that’s part of being me, being real at this season of life. I have chosen to be a mom and I will choose to be happy, to be joyful, to be thankful for what God has blessed me with. I will allow myself to grow into a better mom each and every day.

Gratefulness – State of expressing gratitude

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Blogging, like cooking is addictive, I discovered. Haha once I started blogging again, there is “ink water” (mo shui, izzit? haha someone said that to me before).  Anyway I am still on the theme of gratefulness. 10 things I wanna give thanks for today.

#1: I am grateful that the hubby woke up real early today to prepare breakfast so that we could have a rare breakfast together. He is so sweet. Haha if I could put an analogy, he is the sugar and I am the coffee? Why did I say that? Because for all the bitterness I experience, with his presence, there could be sweetness found. 😛

#2: I am grateful that Izzie is mostly fuss-free. There are many times I could just leave her alone to play by herself and she is okay, quietly exploring her world. Of coz, there are many times she would cry for attention and for comfort. She is after all still a baby who needs to be loved, fed, cleaned and cared for. What I am saying is there are times (plenty, I would say) she frees me up to do the needful things.

#3: I am grateful to be given the opportunity to direct @ Leaders’ Appreciation Night 2010. I had just started directing full Expo services then and Feng trusted me to do the job. I am just very thankful to do this more than all the other big day dramas that I have directed. I think it is a very precious moment to see all the TV leaders actually SIT in the service and enjoy the night. It was also that time that I did up my first short video for viewing in church setting.

#4: I am grateful for the opportunity to sign up for SOT 2005. I convinced both my parents to let me go for SOT and that itself was a big breakthrough. Up to then, I have never stayed in a ministry for more than a year. I have a history of giving up. I felt my greatest achievement was not doing well at exams/preaching tests. It was having to COMPLETE the 10 months of SOT with all assignments handed up. I learnt tenacity.

#5: I am grateful to have met Soo Chee in TV ministry. I am super glad that God answered my prayer: Soo Chee told me that he likes me first and not me having to do the telling. Haha! 😛

#6: Although not perfect, I am grateful for a nice, memorable childhood. Things may not be always pretty at home but at least my parents gave me a conducive home where both parents are around for me and provided for me till my adult years.

#7: I am grateful to my friend Meizhen who brought me to City Harvest. Although I wanted to leave all the time during the initial years, I am glad this is where I found love & belonging. In CHC, I found many good Godly friends who would be there for me through good times and bad times.

#8: I am grateful to my ex CGL, Christina. One thing that she has deposited into me and has always stayed with me is that difficult moments don’t last and we might never experience it again. Treasure them. These I add: Be better, be stronger.

#9: I am grateful to be able to work from home. I get to be with Izzie and I get to work.

#10: I am grateful to God for working in amazing ways, in ways I never imagined. God’s timing is perfect.

Stay at home working mom

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Izzie is sleeping as I type this blog entry. What a bliss! I can have the freedom to do what I like to do. This is the second week that I am looking after her alone at home since her hospital discharge. It has been Frustrating (fussy during meal times, crying for attention A LOT of the time) yet Funny (to see some of her reactions), Demanding yet it shows me the Dedication required, Tiring yet it shows me the Tenacity required, and Sedentary (i am definitely not a homely person) yet Satisfying, Sweet and Special. I will not trade motherhood for anything.

One theme ran across this season of life. That is gratefulness. My boss knows about my situation and wrote to the management to allow me to work from home. The management has graciously allowed me to work from home whenever I need to until Izzie’s condition is corrected and stabilised. Since Izzie’s first hospitalisation, I have been in a panic mode and in a dilemma. To me, family always comes first before work. I am always very ready to put aside my work to attend to Izzie. Yet it doesn’t mean that work is not important to me. I like working. It gives me some space of my own and bring normalcy and sanity to my life. But I am torn whenever Izzie is sick.

Sometimes I wonder should I give up my job to just take care of Izzie? At least the first 3 years of her life? Can we afford it to just have a sole breadwinner?

Sometimes I wonder with all the insanity should we just hire a maid?

Sometimes I wonder why is it that I don’t have free time? How about me time? Why do I have to attend to her every need?

Sometimes I wonder if I let her cry while I do the needful things, am I neglecting her? Will she grow up with a sense of security?

Sometimes I wonder am I doing the right things?

Sometimes I wonder if others struggle like me in relating to family members?

Sometimes I wonder am I just not adaptable? Not accepting? Not fast enough for action?

 

I think they are very valid questions and every couple has to talk through stuff. There are decisions to be made. There are changes to be made.

PERSPECTIVE

Matthew 6:25-34

      “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. …

Izzie in hospital

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Wow it has been 4 months since I last blogged. It was very convenient blogging with the WordPress app on my iPad. When I sold my iPad away at the beginning of the year, it was like I sold my soul time away (blogging releases my internal thoughts processes and helps me deal with stuff going on in my life). A few weeks ago, I cried in a cab, reading an entry off Mumseword. I told Jiahui about it and she encouraged me to write about my experiences. I said ok but never got to doing it. It was just too taxing juggling work, family (and BABY), friends and housework.

Izzie had just turned 10 months old on 1 June 2013. She was admitted to KKH on 17 June 2013 because of loud breathing. Docs say it’s broncholitis. A nose swab came back with negative for common viruses. We are not too sure of the cause. The phlegm produced caused breathlessness in her. Because of her previous bad experience which she needed a lot of support (c-pap and bi-pap) very quickly, docs weren’t keen to discharge her. Thank God she is in normal ward all these days without oxygen support, just on adrenaline and suctioning. Her appetite is reduced but at least she is drinking milk. It is also probably good that she is kept in the hospital during this season because of the horrible SG haze situation.

When the loud breathing started on the evening right after we came back from our staycation, I have expected this long hospital stay. Throughout the days and nights at the hospital with Izzie (Soo Chee and I took turns to stay overnight with Izzie at the hospital), I did not once cry or felt helpless. We knew it is only a stronger confirmation that Izzie would have to do the open heart surgery to correct the LPA sling which causes narrowing of her airway. While other children would get better after a few days of flu, an episode of flu in Izzie would be almost life-threatening because of labored breathing. The docs suggested the surgery to correct the LPA sling and possibly the airway if they find complete rings in the trachea during the bronchoscopy which would be performed in July.

We are thankful for friends who encourage us and who visited us. We are grateful for their love and presence.

Somehow while texting Feng this evening, there was a spiritual connection. The Word which she shared was Isaiah 30:18.
But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you. He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right – everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

During the 1st two hospitalisations in March, I have kinda resolved in my heart that my parenthood journey would be special because Izzie is a special one from God. The only one who is Izzie – God’s promise.
“The journey may be tough but God has given you both a great great gift in Izzie…”

Somehow something broke tonight. I’ve got to let my defences down. I’ve got to come back to God and let Him in my life again. There seems to be no solution in the carnal mind but God holds EVERYTHING together. There is always HOPE for a supernatural miracle. He has done it and He will do it again. I may not always understand the stuff that is going on but I will learn to trust His heart. Let us make Godly decisions, and be at peace, my soul – My prayer for this season.