Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.
Daniell Koepke
I could relate very well to the above quote. I had been a pleaser and sacrificial but deep down, I wasn’t really happy. It was only quite recently that I gave myself space and allow myself to acknowledge that my feelings matter and I choose to honor my feelings. Not saying that I’m ruled by my feelings but rather being able to say and tell someone that I am not okay and that is okay.
Having come from a creative dept background, my work schedule had been very flexible. Moving on to an administrative support dept since I got pregnant till now, I am still struggling to keep the 9-6pm working hours and the rigidity of work. I found it hard to fit into that image because I really do not like to be desk-bound. Although I have the qualities needed for the job, my spirit want something more than the mundane. I want to do more. Yet I am limited now because of my motherly responsibilities. Oh God, help me manage what I feel and what I want and where I serve best. Mould me and change me to serve Your purpose.
Happy that my darling is happy