Category Archives: Moments for me

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I met up for lunch with a fellow mommy friend today. We ordered lunch, caught up and talked. We didn’t realize we could talk for 4 hours non-stop! Hahaha! I’m surprised myself because I have always had difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings verbally. 
One thing I recognized was that I was seriously deprived of quality, uninterrupted adult conversation and me time. My love language is quality time so that explains a little I guess. The last time I so enjoyed talking and had 5 hours of non-stop conversation was with B at Melt in 2012. 

I’m thankful for the soulful time. It was a great time of sharing our lives honestly and finding courage & hope in moving forward in our lives. 

19.8.15

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B released me to attend the end-times CWBS finale today. It would be my first time attending this three part bible study with Pastor Kong. B offered to take care of Izzie. 

I had a terrible headache at mid-day and was tempted to skip the bible study. As the headache got better, I decided to stay and meet my cell group member for dinner. I also decided to go for the first half of bible study. It was sooo good that I stayed for the entire duration. Thank you Jesus and B and cell group members. I was very blessed. 

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Today Izzie and I bumped into Meng How after service. He was my first CHC HOD. It was a sweet meeting. I was touched at how he interacted with Izzie. Earlier this morning, I had taught Izzie the questions and answers:

Q1: What is your name?

A1: I’m Isabel

Q2: How old are you?

A2: I’m three years old

She absorbed rather quickly and those were the two questions Meng How asked her. It was good practice for her and she did very well. Haha!

I was reminded of how he prayed for me at Gleneagles when I was hospitalized for pregnancy complications and how I saw a vision of Izzie at week 28 during that prayer. He was a channel which gave me hope when all I knew was uncertainty. I was encouraged and have been blessed by this man of God!

reasoning

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Isabel has been on a crying spell recently. Very minor things will make her cry. Like when she couldn’t wear her shoes by herself, or when she couldn’t wear a dress to bed, or when she couldn’t wear her tiara to shower, or when she had to wait to eat food/drink milk or when she couldn’t wear a dress to school. It has been so bad I suspect her phlegm build up this time is caused by her constant crying. 

As much as I am frustrated, I couldn’t do nothing and ask her to get over it. I had to stoop down to her level and speak to her and reason with her. It IS torturous. Especially on the mental capacity. I realized my mental capacity have to expand!!! I also realized Izzie is beginning to understand my reasoning. Just the other day, she was throwing a tantrum during dinner that she didn’t want to eat the dinner cooked by grandma. She wanted biscuits instead. So I said, “Okay, no dinner for you and you will have no milk too”. She will usually drink milk before bedtime. She cried and said she wanted to eat dinner there and then! She was so cooperative during dinner too although we could see she was struggling so much not to cry. 

This is the age of awakening. I need to be even more conscious with what I say and do because Izzie will learn by observation. May I be used to point her to God every single day. 

  
Note: up to now, we have not used the cane on Izzie. 

I choose me

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Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.
Daniell Koepke
I could relate very well to the above quote. I had been a pleaser and sacrificial but deep down, I wasn’t really happy. It was only quite recently that I gave myself space and allow myself to acknowledge that my feelings matter and I choose to honor my feelings. Not  saying that I’m ruled by my feelings but rather being able to say and tell someone that I am not okay and that is okay. 

Having come from a creative dept background, my work schedule had been very flexible. Moving on to an administrative support dept since I got pregnant till now, I am still struggling to keep the 9-6pm working hours and the rigidity of work. I found it hard to fit into that image because I really do not like to be desk-bound. Although I have the qualities needed for the job, my spirit want something more than the mundane. I want to do more. Yet I am limited now because of my motherly responsibilities. Oh God, help me manage what I feel and what I want and where I serve best. Mould me and change me to serve Your purpose.  

 

Happy that my darling is happy 

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This was my late night indulgence last week: sugarless plain yoghurt with blueberries, persimmon, dried cranberries, chickpeas and kinder choc. Hehe!  

thankful

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Since meeting Gina mid last year, I have tidied up and beefed up my insurance policies. I am so glad that she increased my knowledge, my coverage and cash values. I have a peace of mind now and finally having a bit of understanding of what I bought for my needs instead of blindly buying insurance for the sake of buying it. 

I do not want to forget the one who connected me to Gina: Wendy. She is truly a blessing in my life. Wendy also introduced a homeopathy  doctor to me. Since seeing the doc in March this year, Isabel hasn’t been on antibiotics. I think she is slowly coping better with colds and coughs. The last time I took leave to take care of her at home was feb. I remember feeling so torn and pushed to quit my job. I also prayed over myself and Isabel. For her to live a normal life and for me to grit my teeth and just go through this tough time. Isabel will outgrow this phase! 

Job-wise, I have adjusted to the change in job scope. There are still times when I felt lousy coz some people/workflow just couldn’t fit into the system/process and there are still times people make me feel so small and there are still times I feel like why am I still doing this low level job at my age. Then I have to tell myself the higher I go, the more humble I should become. It doesn’t matter what job I am given. I just serve God whole-heartedly. I serve where there is a need. Until there is a release to move on. It doesn’t matter how I’m treated, I need to respond with a great attitude. More of God and less of me. 

  

If I follow God, I can be a happy person

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This weekend Pastor spoke about ENJOYing life. The message seemed so familiar. One year ago, I was lonely, sad, trapped, and on the verge of doing something rash and silly. I was so glad someone found me and spoke joy into my life. “Life is already so hard, why must make it miserable?” “You’ve got to do things that make you happy.” While I can’t say I am super happy doing what I am doing, I think I am much better and happier now than a year ago. In the beginning of the year, I made a decision to be happy. Along the way, there are incidences which threaten my happiness but I am glad that I make the decision to continually make a choice to be happy despite of things that rob my joy. I can’t eliminate and control these bad things but I can control my reaction to them. 🙂 

  

I realized that after 2.5 years of mommyhood, I don’t enjoy the toddlerhood that much. It is a test of my patience and there were so many times I was easily irritated with Isabel. And so many times I felt guilty after disciplining/”abusing” her. I am not sure if I was too harsh and broke her spirit. Today I enjoyed giggling with her when she couldn’t fall back asleep after we came home from grocery shopping. She fell asleep on the supermarket trolley halfway through shopping and woke up when we reached home. 

I am enjoying family time more because it is so precious. 

  

Precious moment for Isabel with grandpa. 

My growing journey 

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After Isabel was born and the two mothers came together to help, I felt “too helped” and I tried to fight for my own independence. I wanted to “grow up” and “manage” my own household and family. I guess in my quest to learn the hard way, I have pushed my family members away. It is not a bad thing because B and I grew closer to each other in wanting to make this family thing work. I believe this is what maturity is all about. We take responsibility for our lives and our family’s. Although I sometimes wish I have the luxury of family support when I need them the most, I realized I have been stretched to do this and I can do this. Oh God, continue to anoint my head, my heart and my hands to be a Godly mommy to my children.