Blogging, like cooking is addictive, I discovered. Haha once I started blogging again, there is “ink water” (mo shui, izzit? haha someone said that to me before).  Anyway I am still on the theme of gratefulness. 10 things I wanna give thanks for today.

#1: I am grateful that the hubby woke up real early today to prepare breakfast so that we could have a rare breakfast together. He is so sweet. Haha if I could put an analogy, he is the sugar and I am the coffee? Why did I say that? Because for all the bitterness I experience, with his presence, there could be sweetness found. 😛

#2: I am grateful that Izzie is mostly fuss-free. There are many times I could just leave her alone to play by herself and she is okay, quietly exploring her world. Of coz, there are many times she would cry for attention and for comfort. She is after all still a baby who needs to be loved, fed, cleaned and cared for. What I am saying is there are times (plenty, I would say) she frees me up to do the needful things.

#3: I am grateful to be given the opportunity to direct @ Leaders’ Appreciation Night 2010. I had just started directing full Expo services then and Feng trusted me to do the job. I am just very thankful to do this more than all the other big day dramas that I have directed. I think it is a very precious moment to see all the TV leaders actually SIT in the service and enjoy the night. It was also that time that I did up my first short video for viewing in church setting.

#4: I am grateful for the opportunity to sign up for SOT 2005. I convinced both my parents to let me go for SOT and that itself was a big breakthrough. Up to then, I have never stayed in a ministry for more than a year. I have a history of giving up. I felt my greatest achievement was not doing well at exams/preaching tests. It was having to COMPLETE the 10 months of SOT with all assignments handed up. I learnt tenacity.

#5: I am grateful to have met Soo Chee in TV ministry. I am super glad that God answered my prayer: Soo Chee told me that he likes me first and not me having to do the telling. Haha! 😛

#6: Although not perfect, I am grateful for a nice, memorable childhood. Things may not be always pretty at home but at least my parents gave me a conducive home where both parents are around for me and provided for me till my adult years.

#7: I am grateful to my friend Meizhen who brought me to City Harvest. Although I wanted to leave all the time during the initial years, I am glad this is where I found love & belonging. In CHC, I found many good Godly friends who would be there for me through good times and bad times.

#8: I am grateful to my ex CGL, Christina. One thing that she has deposited into me and has always stayed with me is that difficult moments don’t last and we might never experience it again. Treasure them. These I add: Be better, be stronger.

#9: I am grateful to be able to work from home. I get to be with Izzie and I get to work.

#10: I am grateful to God for working in amazing ways, in ways I never imagined. God’s timing is perfect.

Izzie is sleeping as I type this blog entry. What a bliss! I can have the freedom to do what I like to do. This is the second week that I am looking after her alone at home since her hospital discharge. It has been Frustrating (fussy during meal times, crying for attention A LOT of the time) yet Funny (to see some of her reactions), Demanding yet it shows me the Dedication required, Tiring yet it shows me the Tenacity required, and Sedentary (i am definitely not a homely person) yet Satisfying, Sweet and Special. I will not trade motherhood for anything.

One theme ran across this season of life. That is gratefulness. My boss knows about my situation and wrote to the management to allow me to work from home. The management has graciously allowed me to work from home whenever I need to until Izzie’s condition is corrected and stabilised. Since Izzie’s first hospitalisation, I have been in a panic mode and in a dilemma. To me, family always comes first before work. I am always very ready to put aside my work to attend to Izzie. Yet it doesn’t mean that work is not important to me. I like working. It gives me some space of my own and bring normalcy and sanity to my life. But I am torn whenever Izzie is sick.

Sometimes I wonder should I give up my job to just take care of Izzie? At least the first 3 years of her life? Can we afford it to just have a sole breadwinner?

Sometimes I wonder with all the insanity should we just hire a maid?

Sometimes I wonder why is it that I don’t have free time? How about me time? Why do I have to attend to her every need?

Sometimes I wonder if I let her cry while I do the needful things, am I neglecting her? Will she grow up with a sense of security?

Sometimes I wonder am I doing the right things?

Sometimes I wonder if others struggle like me in relating to family members?

Sometimes I wonder am I just not adaptable? Not accepting? Not fast enough for action?

I think they are very valid questions and every couple has to talk through stuff. There are decisions to be made. There are changes to be made.

PERSPECTIVE

Matthew 6:25-34

“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. …